Orli looked down at his checkered sweatshirt. It was nice and quiet, full of dull shades of brown. There was nothing queer about it, nothing that would shout out, "hey, I'm gay and want you to shag me already, here, now and hard, you big stud". Nope, no such danger with this sweatshirt, Orli thought.

"Stop pouting unconsciously!" Robin must have walked in on him while he was waiting in her office, lost in thought about the propriety of his clothing. "It makes you look somewhat less straight."

Before Orlando could point out that, despite her upcoming plan, he was still very much on the bending side of the court (in fact, he was bending all over the court), Robin skimmed his attire and nodded her approval.

"That's a nice and good heterosexual outfit, Orli. In fact, my husband even has one just like it."

Orlando's face lit up before Robin was done. "Thanks!" he exclaimed, "Ian helped me pick it out."

Robin stared at him for a minute. "I don't understand what you're saying."

Orli was taken aback a little. "Not much, I'm only saying that I went shopping for it with another gay man."

Robin's blank gaze said it all. Or rather, said nothing at all. She pulled out of her desk a visiting card and handed it to Orli.

"Anyway, I have that address for you, of that group we said you'd go to or you'll never have a career? I'm talking about the one which is anti-that-thing and meets at that place with that guy. Got it?"

"It's not an anti-gay group, Robin," Orlando felt the need to correct her. "It's group therapy for curing homosexuals and giving them support in the process. There's a big difference."

Robin wrinkled her nose. "Again, I see your lips moving..."

Orli stepped into the large room and was pleased to discover that his sweatshirt colors had, at least, matched, even if it was only with the dull brown shades of his surroundings.

A totally humpable, but in a friendly and a-sexual way, man walked up to him.

"Orlando Bloom?" He asked and when Orli confirmed he reached out his hand. "Nice to meet you, I'm Viggo Mortensen.

Orlando beamed as he shook the offered hand and did not French kiss Viggo right then and there. He left straighter already!

"Robin called and said you'd be coming." Viggo added and both were silent for a moment, as they pondered the pun and its many deep, philosophical meanings. Those were five long, intense minutes of spiritual searching.

They ended once Orli stirred the unarguably phallic (and thus, unindicative of sexual orientation) teaspoon in his tea and broke Viggo's reverie and reminded the latter of the task at hand. "So, I'm going to be your personal supporter."

"Mine?" Orlando shined.

"Yours," Viggo confirmed.

* * * "Are you telling me that you walked out of that meeting, very pleased?" Robin asked over the phone from her PR office in which she lived (beds are, after all, overrated when you're trying for world domination).

"Very," Orlando reassured her.

"Orli, I talked to the main instructor and he told me that you left before it even started!"

"Details!" Orlando shrugged off Robin's worries. "You know that Buddha says..."

"Buddha is dead, Orli!"

Orlando wasn't thrown off. "That's what they want you to think."

"Orlando? I am they. Now, what are we going to do about your little, um... problem?"

"There is no problem, Robin." Orlando was delighted to proclaim, "I'm as heterosexual as can be."

"You are?"

"Yes, I found this guy, Viggo. He's been my personal supporter. My mentor, even. I simply realized that with him, I don't need the group."

"And he's straight?"

"Robin, they don't come any straighter than him. He has a ranch, he has a son and he's so manly that he's one of those guys who love playing with swords..."

"That does sound rather perfect. Especially since I've landed you your first role, Orli. It's in the Lord of the Rings trilogy."

"Isn't that the movie that's being filmed away from all civilization, for no less than 18 months and with a predominantly male cast and crew?"

"Yes."

"I don't know, Robin. I might get too tempted."

"Orlando, it's a huge movie! It could mean a breakthrough, money, publicity, more huge roles! This is the kind of movie that can make careers happen!"

"Uh oh, look at that. I feel the prancing coming on again."

"Well, what about all the help you said that that Viggo guy is going to give you?"

"He's going to be in another continent, Robin."

"Is he a good looking manly man? Because you said he can handle swords and, if I pull my weight a little behind the scenes, I'm sure we can get him a role in the movie as well. Stuart Townsend wasn't right for the part of Aragorn anyway."

"Alright, if you insist that much on this movie."

* * * "Hello?"

"Orlando, I finally got a hold of you!"

“I noticed, you haven’t stopped calling.”

“You’ve been screening me out?”

“No. I was busy. This time I, um, simply decided to multi-task. Now, I've been meaning to call you to tell you this, but there was just never any good time. Basically, I think it's time you knew that Viggo and I have been gay with each other."

"What???"

"No, I'm just kidding. We haven't been really. Not unless you count shagging like rabbits all the time and everywhere."

Robin gasped in horror, "is he doing that thing to you right now?"

Muffled howls which broke through the receiver and sounded somewhat like Viggo Mortensen, straightness mentor extraordinaire, informed Robin that indeed, Orli was too tight to stop for her so they opted for, um, multi-tasking.

"But Orli, I thought I hired Kate for you because you were starting to get your groove with the ladies, yet were still awkward about it."

"And no one can come to the wrong, yet useful conclusion as swiftly as you can, Robin. But that reminds me. Fire her. The heroin addict look is so fall of last decade."

And with that Robin heard the sound of a phone hung up on its other side. She stared at the receiver she was still holding in her hand and sighed.

"Well, if you can't beat them..."

She dialed a number quickly. Kate’s number. She figured she could ask her out on a date because really, someone had to feed the girl. While she was waiting for her call to be answered, she kept talking to herself. As all evil twins do.

"I knew I should have represented Rupert Everett. Now there's a man! British, but a man."