Prologue

Not that long ago, in a place not that far away (depending on how you look at the map you're holding, though), in a play room of a girl named Razzle, there were toys. Kinky toys. Action figures with an unusually high sex drive and no plastic sex organs. You can see how that might cause a few problems. One day...

Aragorn: Bla bla, bla and yada.

Legolas: You missed a yada.

Aragorn: Yada.

Legolas: So, off with the story teller's head?

Aragorn: *offs* That felt surprisingly fun.

Story Teller: Hey! You can't do that. This is a story, it needs telling, ergo a story teller!

Gandalf: But not such a talkative one. I'm afraid he's right, though. We can't do that.

Aragorn and Legolas: *pout*

Gandalf: Unless we put him in a sealed box.

Legolas: *runs and brings one*

Aragorn: *tries to put head in* Um, Gandalf the Wise? The box is sealed.

Gandalf: Damn. Didn't see that one coming.

Story Teller: Oh, you can also put me in the basket over there, in the corner.

Legolas: Thanks! It's mighty decent of you to point that out.

Story Teller: Not a problem. I've been wanting some time off. Did you know that I wanted a different genre all together? They never give me what I want, I tell you.

Legolas: Which genre did you want?

Story Teller: Mary Sue.

Legolas: *drops head bluntly in basket*

Aragorn: *shouts after the head* And just remember that we can probably seal the basket too. By using the box!

Legolas: I hope this fic gets 'Tarantino' as the Rating. Alright, everyone ready for the body of the story?

Aragorn: Let's roll!

Story's body

Gandalf: Aragorn, come quick! They're going at it again.

Aragorn: Nothing interesting this time either, I presume.

Gandalf: True, they're only verbally bitch-slapping each other, but my lad, such ferocious verbal bitch-slaps!

Aragorn: *snorts, rolls eyes, puts aside his sewing kit and rides an imaginary toy-horse to the rescue*

Barbie Arwen: Hey! You're not really riding a horse.

Aragorn: I've been telling you, Arwen, there's no doubt that it's the royal thing to do.

Legolas: But you're not rattling coconuts about either.

Aragorn: Legolas, be reasonable! They're obviously too big for me to rattle about.

Gandalf: *groans* Keeping your Monty Python DVDs next to those of porn. Worse for your health than cigarettes. Or politicians.

Legolas: Hello, anyone? There's something very wrong here. I'm supposed to be at the center of attention and… I'm not right now. I mean, how can I go on like this? After all, I am the pretty blonde, like, duh?

Gandalf: When teeny boppers turn into action figure manufacturers.

Aragorn: Yeah, but you still fancy him, right?

Gandalf: Well, he is the pretty blonde. Like, Duh.

Legolas: *whines* Again, am not the center of attention!

Aragorn: Alright, tell me what happened.

Legolas: *cries out* He called me prissy again!

Aragorn: Boromir, what do you have to say in your defense?

Boromir: I did call him prissy. But it was only because I bloody wanted to shag him senseless!

Legolas: *still pouting* No. He called me prissy.

Gandalf: Legolas, you are prissy. *ducks as a pair of slippers is thrown at him*

Gandalf: *sighs* And I'm not even getting any. There's no other choice. Aragorn and Legolas, you're going to have to leave on a quest for all of us, searching for real genitals!

Everyone: *silence*

Gandalf: So there are birds and bees. And when they want to shag, they use their genitals to make it happen.

Aragorn: *raises eye brow* Make it happen? We can actually have sex, and not just talk about it?

Legolas: Unlike fangirls?

Gandalf: Indeed. And all we need to do is find a way to become equipped.

Aragorn: Forget equipped, I want to become blessed!

Legolas: Arry, You're all of 17 inches. There's a limit to how blessed you can be.

Aragorn: *triumphantly* Not if my dick will be bigger than me.

Legolas: *rolls eyes*

Gandalf: Maybe I should have made it the birds and the coconuts. My lads, I can't advise you on everything you'll have to go through, but I'll do the best I can. The main thing is…

Everyone: *listening attentively*

Gandalf: The main thing is that you find someone who can get us genitals.

Legolas: *snorts* Gandy, sometimes I miss the times when you were just obscure.

Aragorn: I think we should simply set out on our journey.

Legolas: But where are we going to go?

Aragorn: *looks around* This is a pretty big room.

Boromir: Legolas, I reckon you should take me! I mean, with you.

Aragorn: Do you feel that poking in your back, Boromir? For once, that really is my sword.

Gandalf: Lads, calm down and just remember! Whatever you do, make sure that your first laundry machine is a Whirlpool. Oh, and you may encounter a few enemies on your way. You may not recognize them to be dangerous until it would be too late. But definitely Whirlpool on the laundry machine issue. Nice, strong vibes.

Legolas: You think the old man finally lost it?

Aragorn: Probably. He obviously needs the genitalia badly. But we should still go with Whirlpool.

Legolas: *wrinkles his nose*I don't know. Are we sure we'll get our full money's worth?

Aragorn: *displeased* Legolas…

Legolas: Oh, no. Was I wrinkling my nose and being cute again?

Aragorn: Yes. Stop it.

Legolas: Alright. No more cutesy distractions.

Aragorn: And don't say cutesy.

Boromir: *coughs* Prissy.

Legolas: I heard that, you prick!

Freakishly transparent Frodo: Wasn't that the whole point to the quest?

Legolas: Don't interrupt me while I'm all enraged.

Frodo: *gulps and whispers* Can someone tell the Elf that the Hulk is in another fandom?

Legolas: *turns back to Boromir* You call me prissy one more time, old man, and I'll cut off your feet so you won't be able to perv after feet anymore!

Gandalf: Um, Leggy? He's been perving after yours.

Legolas: *blinks* It's always the best of plans…

Aragorn: Or the simply illogically enraged ones.

Legolas: What did I say?

Gandalf: Sorry to break all the chatter for something as banal as mortal danger, but you know. Mortal danger at twelve o'clock.

Legolas: Are you talking about the goat? The one with the colorful little light bulbs on? Looks odd, but then we keep Frodo around too.

Frodo: *tears up* You love me, you really love me!

Legolas: No humping my leg, please.

Gandalf: I say it is dangerous and I can glare at you longer!

Legolas: Fine, then what are we supposed to do with it.

Aragorn: We could grass it to death.

Legolas: I hate to say it, but it's not likely we'll be able to get rid of the goat by over feeding it. We've been trying it with Frodo for years and yet we still have to keep him around.

Frodo: *cries* This moment is so much bigger than me…

Gandalf: You don't say! *cues Oscars music in*

Aragorn: I was talking about Gandalf's grass. The hallucinations alone would drive it to commit suicide.

Boromir: Hear that, Frankie? Scape away or we will get recreational on your hiney! *looks around at everyone and shrugs* He just looks like a Frank.

Aragorn: Boz, you know that H in hiney?

Boromir: Yeah, mate?

Aragorn: I thought you'd like to know it's a silent one.

Boromir: It's silent? Then why is it there in the first place?

Frodo: This just occurred to me. I think Aragorn might fancy Leggy.

Sam: Thank the Valar, you're pretty.

Boromir: What about the one in honor?

Legolas: Hey Arry, did you notice that Frank is vibrating?

Aragorn: I wonder why a human would need a vibrating toy.

Legolas: *snorts with disgust* Those human beings! All they can think about is sex. They're all so sick and depraved, so pervy and debauched! *turns to Aragorn* But when we'll have genitalia, we'll catch up in no time.

Boromir: What about the H in hand?

Legolas: I bet Frank's batteries are rechargeable.

Aragorn: They have to be, he's been one busy goat.

Frodo: That's it! You two could defeat Frank by over charging him until he explodes…

Boromir: Or implodes.

Frodo: Yes, that too.

Boromir: Orny. I like the sound of that. Orny McOrn.

Sam: Are we talking about your imaginary lover again?

Boromir: Theodore is not imaginary!

Everyone: *stare in disbelief*

Boromir: Right. He might be a camel, but a real one. With real humps too!

Sam: I wouldn't be too sure about that. Have you noticed how firm those humps are?

Frodo: *giggles*

Gandalf: What?

Frodo: Theodore can hump Boz.

Boromir: You got a problem with that?

Sam: He's pretty, he's pretty, he's pretty...

Frodo: *giggles on*

Sam: The universe is expanding, the universe is expanding...

Legolas: Come on, Sam. We all know you're whipped!

Boromir: *triumphantly* Whipped! That one is definitely silent.

Aragorn: I don't know why, but I'm thinking of cream right now. And of leather. *beat* Legolas, has anyone ever told you that you would make a lovely ride?

Legolas: You just remember to sweet talk me like this when we have dicks too.

Boromir: Horgy. Horgasm. Nope, definitely not those two.

Kate: Did someone call me?

Legolas: No, it's fine. I think we can make do without bashing you in this one fic. Next one?

Kate: Okay. Bysie!

Boromir: That wench scares me, she looks like an Orc. *in a rushed tone* Not that there's anything wrong with that, some of my best friends are… *slower* No, they're not. But some of the best creatures I've shot are Orcs.

Frodo: *pouts* I thought we said there'd be no bashing of small creatures with weird facial expressions.

Boromir: *sticks gloved fingers in ears* I'm not listening and I'm not listening, nah nah nah nah nah.

Legolas: You missed a nah.

Frodo: Fine. Then I will simply walk over to that corner, pout and mumble something about Gollum, pretending it's not me I'm talking about, yet expecting you to understand it anyway.

Boromir: Is he PMSing again?

Frodo: *cries*

Sam: Now look what you've done.

Boromir: What have I done?

Sam: You've made him cry!

Boromir: Was that what that was? I was wondering. Was about to offer my horn of Gondor to call a tooth doctor.

Sam: You don't know what Master Frodo's going through just because you don't read between the asterisks.

Aragorn: Sam, what are you doing here? There is no Sam action figure.

Sam: True, but is there a chance to babble endlessly here? Voila. Watch me babble.

Gandalf: I told you he never fully understood the difference between RPS and FPS.

Legolas: Although, this isn't exactly either, is it now? I wonder where they will archive it.

Aragorn: *snorts* I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say they'll archive it.

Legolas: *glares*

Aragorn: What, I can't make a joke?

Legolas: *still glaring*

Aragorn: What, I can't shag other action figures?

Legolas: *still glaring*

Boromir: *pets Aragorn's shoulder* I thought that last question was a great distraction.

Aragorn: *glares at him*

Gandalf: Just like pets and their owners, they're now sharing the same old tricks. Pay attention, everyone, this is what they mean when they say "made for each other".

Aragorn: *looks at Legolas with tears in his eyes*

Frodo: Who's saying that? The asterisks speech?

Legolas: *looks at Aragorn with tears in his eyes*

Frodo: *whines* I'm confused!

Aragorn: I'm sorry!

Legolas: I'm sorry too!

Aragorn and Legolas: *hug tight*

Legolas: I love you.

Aragorn: I love you too.

Readers: Awwwwwwwwwwwww... squee!

Legolas: *horrified* What was that Orcish sound?

Gandalf: Those were the slash fangirls.

Legolas and Aragorn: The what???

Gandalf: Slash fangirls. Bizarre creatures they are, who read about men getting it on. And yes, they would stoop to dolls as well. Half of them are drooling all over the place as we speak.

Aragorn: And the other half?

Gandalf: They've drowned.

Jake ScissorSister: *appears and coughs*

Frodo: Are you here to tell me who's been asterisks-talking about being made for each other?

Jake: Stay away from me, creepy little man.

Gandalf: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Jake: Not likely. I'm one busy little fairy. Besides, it was too dark in that alley behind the gay club. Now, *turns to Legolas and Aragorn* I hear that you've been looking for a way to have real genitalia.

Legolas: That's right, Mr. Fairy.

Jake: ScissorSister, honey pumpkin, Mr. ScissorSister. Shaken and stirred. I heard your distress, I heard your proclamation of true love, I have extra genitalia and here I am. *whispers* But my manager wants a symbolic fee. Shall we say some Scissor Sisters merchandise?

Aragorn and Legolas: *look at each other*

Legolas: Sure. We know where Razzle keeps her money hidden. *eyes sparkle with what we'll pretend was happiness and not another h- word*

Jake: Good, glad that was sorted out quickly. I have a paintball match to get to. *pulls out a wand* What? I hope you didn't see the phallic object coming!

Readers: *nod in the affirmative* We did.

Jake: *shakes head* Lifeless slash girls. Anyway... *rattles wand about, shakes backless trousers, spreads glitter and disappears*

Aragorn: I feel something weird.

Boromir: Something's growing...

Legolas: It sort of tickles.

Aragorn: *growls* Boromir, put down that feather and step away from the Elf.

Legolas: No, no, I think that for once, it's not him. *looks down his pants* Definitely not Boromir. It looks nothing like him.

Aragorn: *looks down Leggy's pants* I don't know. I can see some resemblance. *looks across at nearing Boromir* Don't even think about it.

Legolas: Arry, shag now?

Aragorn: *confused* But don't you want us to talk first?

Legolas: I'm wearing my tunic, o dominant one, my highly kinky tunic.

Aragorn: *beat* Shag now, talk later.

Aragorn and Legolas: *walk away*

Sam: So, do you think we should tell them that we can still see them behind the pencils stand?

Gandalf: And embarrass them?

Several attentive minutes: *pass*

Boromir: Wow. I never knew that Legolas felt so repeatedly positive about Arry.

Gandalf: Or that plastic can bend so far back.

Supersonic boom: *is heard*

Everyone: Aragorn.

Boromir: I think Theodore might get jealous of those humps.

Frodo: *cries out* My handcuffs!

Sam: *weeps*

Gandalf: There, there. I know the black fur pair was your favorite, Frodo, but there are many restraining devices in the sea. And in your Lego box, you kink queen, you.

Frodo: *still sobbing* But that fur was black!

Sam: *still weeping* And furry!

Boromir: And surprisingly delicious.

Everyone: *stares*

Boromir: What? The French eat it.

Sam: And do you do everything the French do?

Boromir: I try to, yes.

Agent 006: You know, you and I need to go on a quest.

Boromir: Even though it would be a cross-over? And though that would mean your highly sophisticated weapons would destroy all of our enemies in less than a second, not allowing for any grand scale computer generated battles, nor two sequels?

Agent 006: Hot sex.

Boromir: Sign me on!

Agent 006: *corrects* Hon.

Boromir: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.

Agent 006: *silences him with a kink*

Frodo: *suspicious* What kind of kink?

Story teller: *from within the basket* Don't worry, nothing of yours. Only some good old foot fetish.

Frodo: *mistrusting* You said nothing of mine.

Story teller: I stand corrected. Or rather, I lay. I mean none of your accessories.

Sam: Mr. Teller, you're not making that much sense. You should probably have that beta’d.

Story teller: What for? I'm already rather comma-less.

Gandalf: And coma-less. Shame.

Frodo: Can we focus here for a second? We're forgetting the main thing. I have sex organs, yet I'm not having sex.

Sam: *beams*

Frodo: Not now, Sam. *turns to Gandalf* He keeps getting these periodical weird seizures of beaming, groaning and fumbling, but it's never quite clear what he's trying to do.

Gandalf: And by fumbling, could you possibly mean…

Frodo: Oh, no. *sighs* He's behind me right now, isn't he? Sam, get your fingers out of there!

Gandalf: I'm afraid he took that the wrong way too. You didn't mean for him to replace those fingers, did you?

Story teller: Strikes me as the right way. *cackles*

Gandalf: *approaches basket* You're rather dashing, you know that?

Story teller: Gandalf, what are you doing?

Gandalf: Obviously, we're in the hands of such an incapable writer that the story won't end before we all shag. I'm just helping things along.

Story teller: Yeep! But you don't even like me. I can only perform oral sex. *screams in panic* I have no body!

Gandalf: Nobody's perfect.

Epilogue

Penguin in Razzle's bathtub: Nobody ever takes care of the penguin's sex life. Hmmpff.

Plastic leg: *lands in tub through the window*

Penguin: *yells* Aragorn! You've popped out and lost Leggy's leg again!